Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D
In the previous article I pointed out that when someone tries to connect with us, we respond in one of the three ways: turning towards, turning away or turning against the person attempting to connect with us. We are not always aware that our words, gestures or actions might signal that we are, in fact, turning away. If that's not already bad enough, sometimes, in subtle ways, outside our awareness, we rebuff or attack the person who is trying to mend the relationship with us.
Why are we sometimes not conscious that we are giving such negative signals? Probably, because, we might have stopped caring about the outcome of the relationship. Sometimes, we con ourselves into thinking that we really care about a relationship while our actions say otherwise. Relationships thrive or wither on actions and words. If there is a discrepancy between words and actions, people pay attention to the actions rather than words.
Some lack the interpersonal insight, which usually helps to understand how their actions affect other people. Quite often, we ourselves don't know how we feel and what we really want out of a relationship. Insight into one's own emotions and those of others does not depend on one's I.Q. Many intellectually bright people lack "emotional intelligence."
Emotional intelligence employs the heart to function while intellectual intelligence employs the brain. For example, when two people hear about a human tragedy, one may hear it from the heart and the other one from the brain. Who do you think is more likely to offer help to the people involved?
Children, who grow up in a family environment where feelings are dismissed, disapproved, suppressed or habitually ignored, may not learn a great deal about how others feel. In such an environment nobody discusses feelings and no parallels are drawn between how a child feels and how others feel. Such a child runs the risk of not having a fully developed emotional intelligence.
There are also gender differences. Boys tend to be raised with low emphasis on feelings, especially those that may be viewed as a personal weakness or vulnerability. Thus, some men miss out on an appropriate emotional education, or at least lack a head start on it.
Women tend to initiate discussion regarding their feelings and the status of their relationship. Men tend to turn away from discussion about their innermost feelings. They may attempt to avoid such discussions by interrupting or distracting their partner, or may even get angry about it.
Usually, a partner makes repeated attempts to communicate and initiate discussions in the hopes of improving the relationship before he or she quits trying. One day, feeling hopeless or tired of trying, he or she simply calls it quits. The other partner is totally surprised by such an announcement and says in utter disbelief, "I didn't know it was that bad." Know someone like that? It happens all the time.
We must always be mindful of the other party in relationships that are important to us. Monitor closely any subtle and indirect messages you send to others. For example, consider if, by your actions, you are communicating any of the following:
"I am not interested in what you like or your interests."
"I have more important things on my mind."
"I am too busy to pay attention to you."
When you want to communicate something, start out with a sweet or a neutral note and keep it that way for the entire conversation. Do your best to avoid a sour note. Don't load all your complaints into "one big wash." Use the principle of one complaint at a time. Phrase your complaint to sound as an expression of hope or a wish, without sounding critical, no matter how tempting that may be.
The art of self-examination is to ask yourself hard and honest questions. Do you have a difficult time in acknowledging certain emotions in yourself or in others? How were those emotions handled in your family of origin? Did your family encourage or discourage you when you experienced those emotions? And now, are you patient enough to listen to the others" feelings, or are you sending them subtle messages to stop?
Dr. John Gottman, author of the book, The Relationship Cure, found that children whose families provide emotional education get along better with their peers and are able to regulate their emotions with fewer outbursts and emotional storms. They are able to concentrate better and receive better grades. Here is another benefit, which one might call a best kept health secret: children raised in emotionally educative families catch fewer colds, have stomach aches, headaches and other common childhood illnesses.
Dr. Gottman goes on to say that "couples who accept, respect and honor each other's feelings are less likely to divorce. Gottman's finding has a direct bearing for children and family preservation, in that children born into emotionally intelligent families have a better chance of being raised by both parents.
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Copyright 2001, Mind Publications
Dr. Vijai Sharma
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