Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D
Currently, three million grandparents in U.S. take care of their grandchildren, as legal or informal guardian. Some of these grandparents are the bedrock of our society. Raised in the Great Depression era, they teach their grandchildren the traditional American values of hard work, honesty, and integrity. If not for these grandparents, many children would have been deprived of a moral and healthy environment and some would have become wards of the state. This is not to undermine the fact that some grandparents an also be an unhealthy influence, for example, when they interfere and meddle with parent-child relationship. This happens when grandparents, instead of being grandparents, compete with their children to be virtual parents. Some try to parent a child through proxy.
I dedicate this article to grandmothers and the important role they play in the lives of their granddaughters. This very special and unique relationship can add a valuable dimension to granddaughter's personality. Like it or not, paternal grandmothers, it is the maternal grandmothers who are more popular with granddaughters. One reason may be that the closeness and harmony between a mother and her own mother is likely to be greater than between a mother and her mother-in-law. Take a look at a maternal grandmother, mother, and a daughter interacting with one another and you can see the same genetic matrix weaving through them. The "chemistry" between them is apparent. As a granddaughter grows older, she seems to form an independent relationship with grandmother in her own right.
One study, reported in the British journal of "Aging and Society," looked at the quality of relationship between adult granddaughters and their maternal and paternal grandmothers. The study points out that the quality and intensity of relationship with a grandmother is influenced by how far she lives and how old she is. However, the geographical proximity and grandmother's age being similar, the relationship with the maternal grandmother appeared as the more pivotal one.
Granddaughters in this study were asked if they would have their grandmother live with them (if still living, of course). Surprisingly, a majority of them said they would. Seventy-four percent said they would have their maternal grandmother live with them and fifty-four percent said the same for their paternal grandmother. Obviously some wouldn't mind either grandmother living with them. When asked which grandmother they preferred, forty-five percent said their maternal, and twenty-two percent, their paternal grandmothers. I guess, the other thirty-three percent chose to be diplomatic, they didn't want to offend either grandmother or couldn't genuinely decide which one they liked more.
So, what do granddaughters get out of this relationship? They feel they gain emotional security, closeness, and beliefs and values that only grandparents can pass from their own upbringing. Grandmothers teach skills, such as, cooking, knitting, sewing, and housekeeping. This happens to be the case in my family, too. Had it not been for the grandmother, my daughter wouldn't have learned knitting. My wife never got interested in knitting, but my daughter did, and thanks to grandmother, this skill lives on in my family.
In summary, influence of a grandmother is largely
positive. She imparts the traditional role and
values to grandchildren, somewhat different and unique
from what parents can provide . Culture of tomorrow
is shaped by what the previous generations pass on to the
current generation. So grandparents! You have
something very valuable to give your grandchildren about
the traditional values and mores. Remember your
grandchildren have greater knowledge of their peer
culture than you do, so don't challenge them in that
department. Further, to have good relationship with
grandchildren, you have to have good relationship with
their parents. Grandchildren! Be playful and
childlike in front of your grandparents, even if you are
an adult. You can act as an adult around everyone
else.
Return to Self Help
Copyright
1996, Mind Publications
Dr. Vijai Sharma
Your Life Coach
By Telephone