Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D
If you have an anger problem and have a tough time
trying to handle it, this thought can give the
breakthrough you are looking for--"I make myself
angry." Nobody makes you angry, you make
yourself angry. A thought such as this is
drastically different from the normal mode of
thinking. In fact, it is a revolutionary
thought. Normally, when someone says or does
something we don't like and we hate his or her guts for
saying or doing that, we want to scream in the face of
that person and say, "You make me angry."
Let's question that assumption rather than taking it for
granted: Is it really true that he or she makes me
angry or am I making myself angry?
Let's examine what really made me angry in the above
example. Someone said or did something that was
unacceptable to me. Perhaps, it seemed unfair to
me. It creates a new problem for me, or makes it
difficult for me to get what I want. Naturally, I
don't like it. It frustrates me. It upsets
all my plans. This may be directly opposite of what
I expected from this person. It denies me what I
really wanted. But all the things I mentioned are
"I", "me" and "mine."
I made myself angry because those are my perceptions, my
desires, and my expectations, etc. Those may not at
all be the perceptions, desires, or expectations of the
person who I mistakenly think makes me angry. Isn't
that often the case between two people in conflict,
"they don't see eye to eye with each
other?" Each one is angry because the other
one is not meeting his or her expectations, demands,
wishes, and the like. The fact is that each one is
making oneself angry, blaming the other for one's own
anger, and both become furious and utterly frustrated
with each other because neither of them wants to change
his or her ways.
Keeping this context in mind, we can now outline the three stages of emotional maturity in regards to anger control. The first stage, at which most of us operate is, "You make me angry. I wish you would quit doing that." In this position, one does not take any responsibility for one's own anger and blames "you" rather than "your" specific behavior. The second stage of emotional maturity is, "I feel angry when you do (such and such)." In this position, the angered person takes part responsibility for one's feeling and does not blame "you" the person but a specific behavior of yours. The third stage of emotional maturity which only a very small fraction of people ever attain is, "I make myself angry when I ...."
When Johnny attains the emotional maturity to say, "I make myself angry when I do not get what I want, or when my rules are broken by others, or when my demands are not met," Johnny is absolving the other person of any responsibility for "making me angry." Johnny is taking full responsibility for his emotions and saying, "the buck stops here."
I agree that this approach is not for the weakhearted. It takes immense courage to say that I make myself angry, but, once you take that position, you have won the most difficult battle of all. The road is clear for you and you know which way to go. This is when you stop waiting for others to quit making you angry. The game of blaming---I blame you and you blame me--comes to a halt. You are no more participating in a shouting match of arguing and asserting who is right and who is wrong. You start modifying your behavior, your desires, your expectations, and whatever else that gets your goat.
The reason that we try so hard to prove that the person in front is at fault, is probably not so much to blame the other person but rather has to do with protecting our own self-esteem. If we don't defend ourselves vigorously and blame the other person with equal vigor, we may have to admit to ourselves that we were at fault. The most ruthless judge sits inside our own heart and is ready to whip us, shame us, and rub our nose to the ground at the slightest suggestion that we are responsible for the mess we find in our lives.
Once, for three long years, I had a difficult
relationship with someone I worked with. Both of us
blamed each other. I was convinced I was absolutely
in the right and she thought exactly the same for her
position. Then I heard someone talking about
assuming one hundred percent of the responsibility for
whatever goes wrong in your relationship. The next
morning, I went to my colleague and I told her that it
was not her fault at all for the misunderstanding and
tension that existed between us and that I take one
hundred percent of the responsibility for every
thing. I ended stressing that she was not
responsible for creating this situation, but was coping
with the situation the best she could. Her reaction
was shock. She said she didn't know how to take it
and thanked me. As I started leaving, she said,
"You know, I too had been absolutely pig headed
about the whole thing myself for all these years. I
am glad we had this talk."
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Copyright
1996, Mind Publications
Dr. Vijai Sharma
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