Vijai P. Sharma, Ph. D
Violence is an enemy of love. They don't go together. Some people try to "normalize" violence in relationships. They say that violence happens in every marriage. They try to minimize violence or make it look like it is an inevitable and avoidable part of relationship.
They explain it away, "When there in an argument, sometimes things get out of hand, but it's not too bad. It doesn't happen all the time." This is nothing less than brainwashing. Such an attempt to normalize violence is dangerous and may even promote violence.
Beware of the person who, referring to outbursts of rage and physical-emotional violence, says, "that occurs in every marriage, now and then. " Take a good look at the person who says so. Chances are you are looking at a person who does so.
The truth is that we all get angry, but all of us do not become violent when we are angry. Violence doesn't happen in every marriage. If someone tries to sell the idea of violent love, don't buy it.
Violence is totally incongruous with love. One can be angry with one's lover without being violent. For example, one can walk away from the person one is angry with before one gets violent. One can shut up and not unleash the verbal abuse. One can interlock one's hands and sit on them and not hit the other person.
One can choose from a whole range of behaviors which do not hurt or punish the other person. The problem with accepting violence as one of the options is that one then often ends up choosing that option. A violent act is chosen by some people because it serves as a tension releaser for them.
Some people perpetuate the myth that when you are madly in love with someone, you may occasionally get mad in "passion" and hit him or her. It is not true. People who get mad in that way haven't gotten over their primitive hatred. People can't be considered mature until they can control their anger and disallow their hate from mixing with their love.
We have a few sayings that condone acts of abuse and encourage victims to tolerate violence. They say, "Everything is fair in love and war. " So a person with distorted thinking doesn't mind scaring and controlling the partner he "loves. " It is self-serving for men to believe that "A man is the king, and his home is his kingdom. His kingdom is his to rule."
On the other hand, an abused woman may be advised by well-wishers, "You have to take the good with the bad. " The problem is that the "good' that is, love, only weighs an ounce while the "bad" that is, violent rage, weighs a ton. Many women bear the weight of a ton for an ounce of relief telling themselves, "He really loves me like no one ever did. I have to tolerate his getting mad once in a while."
Some women falsely hope, "He is insecure about me. Once we get married, this (violence) will not happen." In another case, a victim may have a misguided notion of love and think, "My love is true love. Only death can do us part and nothing else." Sometimes, unfortunately, it is death that parts her from her abuser.
Violence is not love. Violence is hate. Let's not confuse the two. Love doesn't have to hurt physically. The only aches and pain in love are the heart aches. Love does not wear scars and bruises. Love does not disguise itself in hospital bandages and plaster casts.
The name for such a violent act is "assault. " Assault stems from hate. Violence is not an accident. A person chooses to be violent out of many other choices he or she has.
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1996, Mind Publications
Dr. Vijai Sharma
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