To a large extent, the emotional and
psychological responses to loss of a spouse are similar
between men and women. The differences appear to be
in the attempts to control the outward reactions.
Men and women do not differ in the actual experiencing of
the loss, but there are differences in the freedom with
which they express their grief. Emotional
expression, other than that of anger, is barely permitted
for men. The society still prepares its men to be
hunters and warriors. We raise the boys to be
tough. When "boys" are soldiers, they are
expected to take the death of their fellow men bravely,
and go on fighting. This has a survival value in
the times of aggression and defense. When the men
are on the front, they can't afford to slacken and
mourn. So males "wear" toughness(and
believe it to be true), and the society perpetuates the
myth that men can only be hurt physically, not
emotionally. Grieving openly is not a part of the
"male character." Therefore, men, after
the loss of their spouse, are not supposed to
spontaneously say, "Oh! I am lonely and hurting
without her." Friends and relatives rarely ask
a widower, "How are you taking it(the
loss)?" If a man loses his child, he is asked,
how his wife is handling the loss but hardly any one asks
him about how he himself is handling it. So when in
grief, some men will take the socially acceptable
recourse, that is, alcohol. They start drinking
hard! When the drinking gets out of hand and job
performance begins to slide noticeably, then we hear,
"He is really taking it hard!"
Careful studies done on the survivors"
grieving process indicate that men are more likely to
grieve privately. Publicly they present a facade of
equanimity and restraint. As regards grieving in
private, at least in the first month of mourning, there
is no essential difference between men and women.
Interviews done after one month of the loss, indicate
that men and women experience the same level of pain,
yearning, and crying. They experience equally
strong visual images of the deceased spouse and the sense
of his or her presence.
While there was no difference in the first month,
two months after the loss, there was! More men said
that they were accepting the reality of the loss, while
only half of the women gave that impression. The
other half of the women, on occasions, felt as if their
husbands were still alive and some felt as if they might
actually return. We don't really know if men
recover faster than women or they just don't like to
admit to someone else that they are having a hard time
accepting the loss or, "going crazy." It
is possible that men, historically being the wage
earners, refocus on their work faster and therefore,
"brace up" to face the world of work.
Now, that more women are working and need to resume their
work after the loss, it is possible that the differences
between men and women on this account may be
diminishing.
Feelings of distress:
A small difference was noted after one year of the
loss. Fewer male survivors described themselves, as
being at times, very unhappy or depressed. Also,
more male survivors report "feeling themselves
again," after one year of the loss. Men and
women have a different physical and emotional reaction to
grief. While more men feel tense and restless,
women feel more depressed. A male is more likely to
speak of the loss as having lost a part of himself, while
women refer to themselves as being abandoned.
However, the problem of loneliness seem to afflict men
and women equally.
Anger and self-reproach:
Approximately, twice more women, when compared to
men, express anger in the first two months of the
loss. In the whole first year of loss, more women
express moderate to severe anger. Again, it is
possible that fewer men tend to admit feeling angry as
part of grieving. As a woman feels
"abandoned," she may justifiably feel angry
with the lost person for abandoning her. However,
male reaction to divorce may be different. If the
loss occurs due to divorce, while women feel
"angry," more men get in to a rage. More
women fear in that time that they may have a nervous
breakdown. One woman who was facing the divorce,
said it was easier for her to grieve and get over it, if
her husband was dead. She couldn't feel angry or
sad in the hopes of reconciliation. She was hoping
that the fires of love may be somehow, magically,
rekindled in him. She never let those fires
extinguish in her heart. In such a situation, be it
death or divorce, the loss has to be accepted first
before the healing can begin.
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Copyright 1996,
Mind Publications
Dr. Vijai Sharma
Your Life Coach
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