Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist
The relationship with the lost person is now
continued by identifying with him or her. This is
achieved, spontaneously of course, by acquiring the
qualities and characteristics of the lost person.
Survivors report that in some ways they have become like
their spouses or that deceased spouses are somehow within
them. Survivors may find themselves doing things in
the same way as their loved one did them.
Identification is the next step in grief recovery that
follows or accompanies the internalization. The
love and attachment for the lost person facilitates
identification with him or her which serves one purpose
and that is the "extension of the life" of the
loved one. Now the loved one can go on in an
abstract form, such as, in the form of words, deeds,
thoughts, values, memoirs, etc. Survivors may
initiate activities typical of the lost person despite
their never having done them before. Some start
using the phrases and little sayings for the first time
that were habitually used by the lost person. Some
would "identify" with the cause or the values
upheld by the deceased and pursue them as major
activities of their lives. They go on doing these
activities filling their hours and days until other
demands of assuming new roles force them to shift
gears.
As stated earlier, the sense of presence,
internalization, and identification with the lost person
are the tools for working with the grief and coming to
terms with the loss. If I lose something in the
concrete form, I have to have it in the abstract
form. That is the way we cope with the loss.
We see a part of the lost person in the world around us
and a part of him or her in ourselves. So we mourn,
we keep a part of the deceased in ourselves, we spread
the person around, and in doing so we can separate
ourselves mentally and emotionally from the lost
person. The love and the attachment, the
internalization and identification with the deceased does
not necessarily interfere with grieving, separating, and
adapting to the new realities.
COMPLICATIONS AND MALADAPTIVE BEHAVIORS
These maladaptive behaviors and grief complications
are not a product of a conscious or purposeful behavior
on part of the survivor; these are often actions that
happen automatically and without the conscious choice or
decision of the person.
1 Compulsive imitation: compulsion to imitate
the lost person without the competence or even the strong
desire to do so. For example, compelled to imitate
the high-profile political and/or social career of the
deceased when the survivor is neither qualified and
competent, nor has ever enjoyed such
commitments.
2 Inappropriate joy and elation: the feeling
that, "I haven't lost him, he is still there inside
me (or by my side)" can be taken literally which can
send a person in to a state of elation.
3. Unhealthy imitation: The positive
characteristics or behaviors of the deceased are not
identified and pursued as a conscious choice. The
deceased develops an illness similar to that of the lost
person. This is a distorted form of identification
with the deceased.
4. "Mislocation" of the deceased:
instead of experiencing the deceased as present by her
side, or locating him in his familiar chair, or room, or
in the graveyard, the survivor locates him within another
person, or a pet, or a physical object. As if that
person or pet or an object has gotten the spirit of that
person and is loved and revered with the same
sentiment. Bowlby calls it "mislocation"
of the deceased. A tragic example of such
mislocation is seeing one's child as a reincarnation of
the deceased which can be harmful to the growth of the
child.
5. Loss of one's own identity: Internalizing
and identifying with the deceased to such great extent,
that the survivor loses her own identity and virtually
becomes and acts like the lost person.
EFFECT OF GRIEVING ON PHYSICAL HEALTH
Most of the studies available on the health
consequences of grief, are on women. However,
effect on health of men should not be drastically
different. Death of a spouse almost always affects
health. Sleep disturbance, anxiety, tension, and
fatigue are extremely common. A host of other
symptoms develop depending, among other things, on the
stress level, emotional support, previous physical and
mental health status of the survivor.
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Copyright 1996,
Mind Publications
Dr. Vijai Sharma
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