The relationship with the deceased is continued in more ways than one. A London study of widows observes, that a year after losing their husbands, twelve out of the twenty-two widows spent much time thinking of their husbands, and at times had a sense of his actual presence. They were not disturbed or anxious about this. They actually found the sense of presence rather comforting.
A Boston study of survivors observes that a year after
the loss, two out of every three widows continued to
spend much time thinking of their deceased
husbands. Other studies observe that "sensory
illusions" and "hallucinations" are far
more common during the grieving than we realize.
Sensory illusions refer to survivor's mistaking an object
or a person for the deceased partner.
Hallucinations refer to the experiences, such as
"seeing," "hearing," or being
"touched" by the deceased partner when no
person or object is there for a possible
misinterpretation. That such experiences are part
of a normal grieving is not very widely known even among
the mental health professionals. A survivor who is
severely depressed and also reports these experiences,
may be seen as suffering from psychotic depression.
If the survivor did not have a psychotic illness in the
past, she needs to be assured that such experiences are
not uncommon and she is "not going crazy."
It takes a few weeks after the actual loss for the
survivor to experience a sense of the continued presence
of the lost person. When that happens, it is
intense and it persists for quite a while. As per
the Boston study, one out of four reported that there
were still occasions when they "forgot" he was
dead. Some, on purpose, used the sense of presence
of their dead husband "therapeutically."
They evoked it whenever they felt depressed or unsure of
themselves. The longer the survivor was married to
the deceased, the greater the tendency to do so.
This tendency was also found greater in those who were
over forty when widowed. By and large, age and
duration of marriage go together, the older the person,
the greater the chances of marriage being of longer
duration.
The relationship with the deceased is maintained in many ways. A Wales study of survivors observes that more than ten percent of survivors report having held conversations with the dead spouse. Again, this tendency was higher in the older widows and widowers. Two thirds of those who reported the sense of "presence" of their deceased spouse, describe their experiences as being comforting and helpful. Some experience the deceased partner as a 'companion' who accompanies the survivor everywhere. Some survivors, at one time, would feel as if the deceased partner is "inside" them, and other time, feel the lost person is, outside, and by their side like a "companion." Some sense their loved one as occupying a particular chair, room, yard, or another specific location that was usually occupied by the lost person. Some feel the presence of their loved one only in the graveyard. These experiences start fading in the second year of bereavement and are not unusual or unfavorable for a healthy grief process.
FROM THE "PRESENCE" OUT THERE TO THE
PRESENCE WITHIN
In the beginning, the lost person is felt to be
"present" outside oneself.. As time goes
on, it begins to be replaced by the feeling of the
presence of the lost person inside oneself rather than
the outside. Psychologists call it the
"internalization" of the lost person.
This internalization is necessary if the process of
searching is to end and person is to come to terms with
the loss. What is now inside oneself doesn't have
to be searched outside anymore.
The Boston study observes that a female survivor's
progress is facilitated by her inner conversation with
the presence of the deceased spouse. This continued
sense of association and inner conversations do not
interfere with her assuming independent actions and
adapting to the outside world. Since she lets her
feelings of attachment to the lost person persist, she is
able to "take in" what she has lost in the
outside world. Those who try to run away from all
thoughts, memories, and feelings for the deceased and
jump in to another relationship as a cure for their pain,
may experience disturbing feelings and reactions
later. Grief has progressed well if the survivor
can consciously hold the thoughts, the feelings, and the
memories of the deceased for some time and is at peace
with the image of the loved one inside one's own
self.
Return to Self
Help
Copyright 1996,
Mind Publications
Dr. Vijai Sharma
Your Life Coach
By Telephone