As the awareness of the absence of the partner begins
to get a hold of its own, the struggle between the hope
and despair begins to intensify. While despair
breeds dejection and apathy, the hope and wish for
reunion fuels searching for the lost person. Let us
now look at the specific behaviors of searching in
bereavement:
1. Restless moving about and scanning the
environment.
2. Thinking intensely about the lost person.
3. Directing attention to all signals, sounds, and
cues that were linked with the lost person and the
withdrawal of attention from all that is not relevant to
his or her "presence."
4. Directing attention to those parts of the
environment in which the lost person was likely to be
found.
5. Silent calling for the lost person, which can be
sometimes loud and vocal.
Marked restlessness, inability to sit still, aimless
moving about, and continuous searching is reported in the
first few weeks of bereavement. There is a rush of
speech when talking about the lost person. The
survivor is preoccupied with the thoughts of the lost
person. Some have a vivid visual picture of their
loved one, "I can see him sitting in the
chair." The survivor frequently misinterprets
the sights, sounds and other cues for the presence of the
loved person. Reports of hearing the deceased
coughing, calling the survivor, and moving about the
house at night are not uncommon.
EFFORTS FOR RECOVERY AND SOME FORM OF CONTACT WITH THE
LOST PERSON
Expectancy of the return and the reunion with the
lost person is dominant in this phase. Survivors
feel drawn towards places and objects associated with the
lost person. They visit places they frequented
together when their loved one was alive. At another
time, they feel drawn towards the hospital or the place
where the person died. Survivors feel compelled to
visit the cemetery where their loved one is buried.
They may not leave home because they expect their loved
one to return any moment. When they do leave home,
they feel a strong urge to return home and check.
They may return to the objects that were treasured by
their loved one, thereby making a "contact"
with the lost person. Loud crying and sobbing, of
course an expression of sorrow and mourning, can also be
a survivor's attempt to recover the lost person. In
severe stage of grief, we all return to that helpless
child within us whose crying once used to bring the
caregiver back. Perhaps our "child mind"
remembers that crying and screaming once helped us to
attract the attention of adults and to get what we
needed In fact, the survivors are reported to call
out for the lost person with a moan, with words to the
effect, "Where are you? I need
you."
THE EXPERIENCE OF ANGER AND RAGE
To continue with the analogy of a child, note that crying
and screaming, if not attended to right away, throws the
child in to a rage. He kicks up his legs contorting
his face and his whole body curls in a fitful rage.
It is of course not so demonstrative in adulthood, but
survivors do experience anger in this period of searching
and calling the lost person. This anger may be
directed towards such persons, as the relatives, members
of the medical staff, pastors, one's own self, and/or the
person who died. The persons who are the object of
this anger may be viewed by the survivor as negligent or
responsible for the death of the loved one by omission or
commission of certain actions. Anger towards the
persons who died may be felt because by not caring for
themselves, they may have in some way contributed to
their own death. The anger towards self may be for
failure to take an action or for harsh words
spoken. Anger may be experienced real intensely or
it may be manifested in general irritability and
bitterness. During this time, anger may also be
felt towards God. The more the death is seen as
unfair and untimely, the greater may be the anger towards
God.
Anger does serve a useful purpose if the loss is
temporary, that is, if a person is removed
temporarily. In that case, anger gives the energy
and the thrust needed to overcome obstacles to a reunion
with the lost person. Survivor still believes the
loss is temporary. It is like the separation from
the loved one in the early life. The adults, a
child is attached to go away temporarily, the child is
distraught, searches for them, protests, and they
return. That is what the mind wants to believe even
now. Unfortunately, this loss is permanent.
Return to Self
Help
Copyright 1996,
Mind Publications
Dr. Vijai Sharma
Your Life Coach
By Telephone