As the emotional numbing and the sensory stupor
diminish, the absence of the lost person continues to
impress itself on the survivor with increasing
intensity. With the realization that the lost
person is not there, the survivor begins to yearn for
him. The pain of yearning is accompanied with
crying and sobbing. The survivor is restless,
sleeps little, and constantly thinks of the loved one and
many times she acts and talks as if the person is still
alive. The numbness and stupor are replaced with a
state of high alertness and vigilance. This change
is not without a purpose. The intensely active
state of body and mind is designed for searching for the
loved one, who is not yet perceived as permanently lost,
but, simply being away, out of sight. Realization
of death comes much later when the mind can grasp the
reality of the permanent loss.
The foundations for yearning, searching, looking,
and trying to recover the lost person are laid in the
first two to three years, when a child becomes intensely
attached to his mother and zealously guards her
presence. He makes sure that she is near him at all
times and if she has to leave momentarily, that she gets
back soon. Loss in adulthood activates the early
attachment behavior. Separation from mother throws
a child in to disbelief and protest against the loss and
the child furiously searches for the lost parent.
An adult also reacts to the loss with disbelief and
protests against the lost person for not being
there.
Searching for the lost person is a normal part of
grieving in adults. However, the term
"searching" needs an explanation.
Ordinarily, by searching we mean a person combing the
area, going in and out, seeking from corner to corner,
and looking where a particular object or person may
possibly be. The search in bereavement is subtle
and often covert. Constant expectation,
restlessness, scanning of the surroundings, wandering of
the attention, hearing sounds, and the like constitute
the searching behavior of an adult who has lost a loved
one. The survivor, in a sense, expects the lost
person to return any moment, therefore, certain sounds
and sights may be easily misinterpreted as signs of the
partner's return. Griever will at times, sense
their partner's actual presence in the room.
Survivors may wake up in the middle of the night and
actually see their loved one sitting on the bed.
They may hear a sound downstairs and think that their
partner is awake and getting something from the
refrigerator. They may hear the door opening around
the time their partner came home from work. Another
person from the side or the back view may be mistaken for
the bereaved for a flash of a second. Some
literally walk around searching for the deceased at the
graveyard. Some think of killing themselves so they
can rejoin the lost person. Vivid dreams of the
person being alive are common. These are all
natural grief behaviors and should not be seen as
abnormal.
THE STRUGGLE BETWEEN HOPE AND DESPAIR
The survivor oscillates between two states of
mind. This is one reason why the stages of grief
overlap. In one state of the mind, the survivor is
aware that the loss has occurred, therefore, the
mourning, the pining, and the pain of separation is felt
acutely. This is the state of hopelessness and
despair. But in the other state of the mind, the
survivor disbelieves that such a loss has occurred,
therefore, she searches to recover the lost person.
This is the state of hope and wishing. Anger is the
chief emotion in this state. The anger is aroused
by obsessing over one's own actions and what other people
did or did not do for the lost person, and how everyone
is responsible for the loss. Thus, restless
searching, hope, disappointment, crying, anger,
accusation, and ingratitude are all expressions of the
strong urge to find and recover the lost
person.
The urge to search and recover the lost person
remains intense for several months in the normal grief
and diminishes only gradually over time. Only some
survivors are conscious of their urge to search and
reunite with the lost person and they allow themselves to
indulge in such a fantasy. Some find it irrational
and absurd and try to put a stop to it. However,
there should be some amount of searching behavior, at
least for some of the time after the initial shock and
numbing is over. If searching goes on indefinitely
without any signs of abatement, it may mean that grief is
not progressing in a normal fashion.
Return to Self
Help
Copyright 1996,
Mind Publications
Dr. Vijai Sharma
Your Life Coach
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